Celebrating Life: Facing Death


A Guide to Unitarian Universalist Philosophy and Practice

Assembled by Judy Moores Under the auspices of the Caring Network Committee of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Davis.

We were put on this earth to celebrate. You give it everything you have. Everything. That includes your death. The greatest thing you can do is possess your own death so that when it comes it is given, not taken. Honor your own death. It is a sacrament.... Death renders life magnificent.... Death walks beside one, and so does whatever one’s sense of God is, or the sublime.
— Scott Symons

Rev. Elizabeth O’Shaughnessy Banks, Senior Minister
Unitarian Universalist Church of Davis,
27074 Patwin Road, Davis, CA 95616
Mailing Address: P.O. Box 73710 Davis, CA 95617
Telephone: (530) 753-2581
Fax: (530) 757-8016
E-mail: office@uusofdavis.org
Website: www.uusofdavis.org



CELEBRATING LIFE, FACING DEATH
Introduction
 This guide has been prepared to assist Unitarian Universalist Church members and friends think through the last stage of the life process. It is designed to help those who have lost or are preparing for the loss of a loved one, those who wish to assist friends dealing with the death of a love one, and those who wish to make preparations for their own death. It may also help persons who wish to learn something of the liberal religious approach to death.

A Liberal Religious Understanding of Death
 Although there is no Unitarian Universalist doctrinal position on the nature and meaning of death, there are general areas of agreement among us. Death is the natural end of life, but it is living an enriched life, not life after death, that is of central importance. While there is no unanimity on the question of immortality, Unitarian Universalist Church members generally do not accept traditional ideas of life after death. The kind of immortality that we recognize might be called “influential immortality” in the sense that each of us makes an impact on the lives of others. The memory of this impact lives on after our death and cannot be destroyed. Beyond this, most of us are agnostic with regard to any other life after death - we simply admit we do not know. Again our task is to live life richly, assuming nothing beyond it.
Death is the great leveler; none of us are exempt. Yet each life is uniquely endowed with joys, sorrows and relationships. It is appropriate that the termination of a life be recognized by the religious community; hence the tradition of funerals and memorial services.

Preparations for Death
 Planning for the eventuality of death is a great help to surviving loved ones. Anxiety is vastly increased at the time of death by the added responsibilities of making major decisions about practical arrangements. If the planning is done prior to need, more time and energy will then be available for the human concerns of experiencing the death of a loved one and ministering to the bereaved. As part of your pre-planning, you need to put your wishes in writing, talk to your loved ones, and put your instructions where they are easy to find.
As part of your planning, you may wish to decide whether you prefer cremation or burial. If you choose body burial, consider requesting a “green burial” with no embalming chemicals and a simple casket that will allow your remains to return to the earth.
Think about donating your organs or your body. According the Uniform Anatomical Gift Act (Section 7150, Health and Safety Code), you may indicate on your driver’s license that you choose on your death to donate any needed organs, tissues, parts, or a pacemaker. If you are interested in donating your body for medical research or instruction, you will need to make arrangements ahead of time with the Department of Cell Biology and Human Anatomy at the UCD School of Medicine. There is no charge to the family or estate of the deceased for any organ or body donations. Do let your family know what you prefer.
Although there is no official policy of the church or ministers, the Funeral Consumers Alliance (www.funerals.org/Sacramento-NorthernCalifornia ) is suggested as a local non-profit group, which can provide valuable assistance. It is part of a continental network of memorial societies that believe in simple, dignified, economical final arrangements and that actively promote preplanning by the living. Although memorial societies do not arrange funeral or memorial services, they do refer their members to selected funeral directors who provide low-cost, simple mortuary and funeral services. The Alliance suggests that individuals and families may wish to pre-plan for funeral services, but they recommend that there be no prepayment. With regard to memorial services, families, usually with the help of a church minister, arrange for services for their loved ones.

What to Do When Death Occurs
 The circumstances when death occurs determine what must be done. If the death occurs in a hospital, nursing home, or other facility, the facility will determine the procedures to be followed and whether the coroner’s office must be called and who will sign the death certificate. If the death occurs at home, and Hospice Nurses are involved, they will help with the procedures to be followed and arrange to have the death certificate signed.
If the death occurs at home, whether expected or unexpected and Hospice is not involved, you may wish to call 911 for help. If the emergency response team is unable to resuscitate the person, they will call a police officer. If you are sure that the person is dead, you may call the police yourself. Once the police have come, they will in turn request that someone from the coroner’s office come to inspect the deceased person. It is up to the coroner to determine what happens next. If the person has been under the recent care of a medical doctor and has most likely died of natural causes, the coroner will ask the deceased person’s doctor to sign the death certificate.
Once the death certificate has been arranged, you will need to make arrangements for the body. (If the deceased is in a nursing home or other facility, information about the person’s wishes may already be in the records there.) If the deceased is a member of a memorial society, you should contact the society or their contracted funeral home. Both will have the deceased person’s pre-arrangement forms on file and will know exactly what services are desired. If the deceased is not a member of a memorial society, any funeral home may be called. However, you may wish to contact the Funeral Consumers Alliance of Northern California for their recommendations. Also, a copy of a recent survey of area funeral homes is usually kept in the church office in a binder called “Celebrating Life: Facing Death.” The survey can save you hundreds or even thousands of dollars.
When a death occurs, the church should be contacted promptly. One of the church ministers is always on call and will get back to you as soon as possible. Your minister is uniquely prepared to assist family members emotionally and practically at a time when they are under stress. For example, if the deceased person was not a member of a memorial society, you may wish to delay calling a funeral home until you have spoken with the minister. In many cases, assistance may be needed before death occurs, or even before it seems imminent. During such times, the ministers, the Caring Network and the Pastoral Counseling Center will be important resources to you as a member of our church community.
After the death, you may find that the process of waiting for the police, coroner, minister, and funeral home takes several hours. Allow yourself to be with the deceased person so that you have time to say good-bye. If you are alone, you may wish to call others to be with you as you wait.

Memorial Services
 In many Unitarian Universalist churches, memorial services have replaced funerals as the most fitting way to recognize the end of a life. A memorial service may be scheduled at the convenience of family and friends any time from a few days to several weeks after the death of the loved one. Simply stated, a memorial service celebrates and affirms the life of the person now dead. Instead of morbid themes, it includes stories, readings, music, and brief statements about the life of the deceased. The object is to comfort friends and loved ones and to help them remember and grieve. The coffin is not present since the emphasis is not on the physical but on the spiritual meaning of life and death. Although elaborate floral displays are discouraged, friends or family may provide simple floral arrangements. Gifts to the church or favorite charities are fitting tributes to the deceased.
It is recommended that all services, memorial or funeral, take place at the church, in a private home, or at place of special meaning to the deceased person. Services in funeral homes often provide physical arrangements and a tone foreign to the liberal religion’s understanding of death. Naturally, if a family prefers a funeral home, the minister will cooperate. But generally, the church provides a more appropriate context for a community celebration of life.
When someone has died, one of our church ministers will work with the family to create a service in keeping with the integrity of the deceased person and the needs of the living. Church members who wish to preplan their own memorial services (and/or write their own obituary) are invited to request the help of one of the ministers or to work on their own. Whether planning a service for a loved one or preplanning your own, you will find some resource materials listed in the section of this guide called “A Selection of Readings.”

Fees and Memorial Gifts
 There is no charge for the use of the church building by members and supporters of the church and their families. The ministers’ services to members and their families are a part of their general ministerial duties, and no fees are charged. (Families not associated with the church will be asked to make a donation for rental of the church, minister’s fees, and reception. However, in some situations, as when families are in need, specials arrangements may be considered.)
While there are no charges for memorial services, persons are invited to make contributions to the church in memory of the deceased. Contributions may be made to the Unitarian Universalist Church of Davis. An honorarium for custodial services is appropriate.

A Selection of Readings
 The following materials are suggested for your consideration:
Before I go, You Should Know: My Funeral and Final Plans, with illustrations by Edward Gorey, is a booklet which is part of an end-of-life planning kit published by the Funeral Consumers Alliance. It is available on line at www.funerals.org or (800) 765-0107. The cost is $10.
Great Occasions, edited by the Rev. Carl Seaburg, is a compendium of information about ceremonies for birth, marriage, death and other passages.
In Memoriam, by Rev. Ed Searl, is a guide to creating meaningful memorial services. *
Kitchen Table Wisdom, by Rachel Naomi Remen, offers short lessons and much wisdom about living life to the fullest in the face of illness and death.
Living with Death and Dying, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, presents and discusses the stages of the dying process.
There’s a Hair in My Dirt! A Worm’s Story, by Gary Larsen, is a wryly-humorous book explaining the web of life with the help of a worm family. It is a great introduction for kids or anyone else who doesn’t want to talk about dying.
Full Catastrophe Living, by Jon Kabat-Zinn, provides a clear guide to using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness.

Internet Resources
 The local Funeral Consumers Alliance of Northern California has a website (www.funerals.org/Sacramento-NorthernCalifornia ) where you can find out about its services and download an application for membership.
The national organization, the Funeral Consumers Alliance has a Website (www.funerals.org) where you can order books, and other materials and get information about funeral planning societies throughout the United States and Canada.
The Zen Hospice Project (www.zenhospice.org) in San Francisco provides many lectures and programs related to dealing with stress, illness, and death.

Other Resources
In addition to this Guide, you may review a binder of the same name in the church office. The binder includes additional pamphlets, brochures and materials related to planning for death. Topics include: Introduction (“Celebrating Life: Facing Death”), Preplanning (“Before I Go, You Should Know: My Funeral and Final Plans,” brochures on organ and tissue donation, “Estate Planning”), Living with Dying (“Hospice, Finding your Way: A Guide for End-of-Life Medical Decisions,” etc.), Final Planning (“General Price List Survey” for services offered by regional funeral homes and the Neptune society, Yolo County coroner’s green book, essays on cremation, funerals and related topics), Preplanning a Memorial Service (sample Orders of Service), Caring Network Procedures for Memorial Services, Favorite Readings, and Bibliographies.

WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE WHEN A DEATH OCCURS
A CHECKLIST
Initial Items
 __ Arrange for the coroner, funeral home, cremation, etc.
__ Call a church memorial service coordinator or the church office.
__ Meet with the minister.
__ Make a list of immediate family members, close friends, employer, and colleagues. Notify these individuals by phone.
__ If deceased was living alone, protect valuables and take precautions against intruders.

Memorial Service
 __ Set a time and place for the memorial or funeral service with the minister.
__ Work out details of the service, including music, with the minister.
__ If flowers are to be omitted, decide on appropriate memorials to which gifts may be made, such as the church, a charity, or a university.
__ Submit an obituary to newspapers. Items often included: full name, age, place of birth, cause of death, occupation, college degrees, memberships held, military service, outstanding work, list of survivors in immediate family, where contributions and/or flowers may be sent, and the time and place of the service. The obituary may be delivered in person, faxed or e-mailed to newspapers.
__ Develop an exhibit (using photos, articles, videos, etc.) honoring the deceased person’s life to be displayed at the service or reception.
__ Provide someone to stay at home during the service to protect the house.
__ Arrange for a caterer if desired. *
__ Provide a sign-in book at the service if desired.
__ Request a tape recording of the service if desired.
__ Arrange for disposition of flowers (by calling a local hospital or nursing home), if needed.

Family and Visitors
 __ Arrange for members of the family or close friends to take turns answering the door or phone and to keep a careful record of calls, visits, food, and offers of help.
__ Arrange hospitality for visiting relatives.
__ Arrange childcare if needed.
__ Coordinate food as needed.
__ Coordinate household chores.

Legalities
 __ Notify insurance companies and Social Security.
__ Notify executor of the deceased person’s will/estate and/or lawyer.
__ Order a few to several copies of the Certificate of Death from the County Registrar. These will be needed when you deal with Social Security, banks, lawyers, etc. (Call ahead to find out when they will be available.)

Miscellaneous
 __ Cancel subscriptions, newspapers, e-mail or Internet accounts, credit cards, cable TV, etc.
__ Deal with utilities, landlord, post office, yard or household help.
__ Prepare a list of distant persons to be notified by letter or printed notice and decide which to send each.
__ Check carefully all life and casualty insurance and death benefits, including Social Security, employer, credit union, trade union, fraternal, military, etc. Check also on income for survivors from these sources.
__ Check promptly on all debts and installment payments. Some may carry insurance clauses that will cancel them. If there is to be a delay in meeting payments, consult with creditors and ask for more time before the payments are due.
__ Recycle medical devices (pacemaker, glasses, hearing aid, walking aids, commode, etc.) Call the Funeral Alliance of Northern California at (916) 451-4641 or the Funeral Consumers Alliance (a national nonprofit organization) at 800 765-0107 for more information.

Follow-up
 __ Prepare a list of persons to receive acknowledgments of flowers, calls, cards, letters, etc. Send appropriate acknowledgments. (These can be written notes, printed acknowledgment, or some of each.) You may wish to ask for help. Some families write notes together after the memorial service.


Note: If you have suggestions for or corrections to the manual or checklist, please notify the Office of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Davis (www.uusofdavis.org) or (530) 757-2581.